Seduction — some of us have it and some of us don’t. Lucky for you, you can change your status from have not to have in the game of seduction.

If you think I will be the guru to your sexual journey, you think wrong. I cannot even get the time of day out of an elderly woman if I was being pimped out by a higher authority like McLovin in “Superbad.”

I can only hope to learn and analyze the skills of greater Casanovas than myself, studying the art like Einstein studied gravitational pulls and light.

Feb. 14 is looming large, so as a guide, I went on an adventure and studied college students who seduce and who get seduced and compiled it in a tome for you all. Merry Christmas, you filthy animals.

Hey, look at that smoke-show girl/guy over there. Should I approach her/him?

What do you mean, should you approach? As Wayne Gretzky said, “You miss 100 percent of the shots you don’t take.” So, the first step in my studies of seduction is that if you want a girl/guy to know that you are interested, you have to let them know you exist.

But, before you do, half the game is won before it is even begun. It is similar to the movie “Like Mike.” You know  that when Lil’ Bow Wow laces up those MJs that he is going to be wrecking the court and putting people in their place.

“Basically, try to be as much Marvin Gaye as you can be,” said Vincenzo Sangaline, a freshman geology major.

Confidence is key.

“Dress well, and dress for the seasons,” said Nick Peterson, a freshman environmental engineer. “Have good hygiene.”

Now, I am not saying that appearance is at the forefront of everything, but how can you take care of someone else when you cannot even take care of yourself?

“If you know something funky is going on, get some gum,” said Madison Malone,  a sophomore international studies major.

How should I approach said girl/guy?

If you are the type of person who reads “How To Pick Up Girls” — stop. College is way different from that. The majority of us are all normal humans, and those techniques fester in the pits of the Internet and in the dark corners of Los Angeles night clubs.

If you use pick-up lines, your sense of creativity might as well be as cold as your bed.

“Just go up and say hi, ask for her name, introduction, and compliment her,” said Renato Alquist, undeclared freshman. “Talk about common interests.” 

This applies to women as well as men. Genuine introductions never really go wrong, same with smiling and a positive attitude.

“If I see a guy smiling at me from across the Quad, like a genuine smile, it’s like, ‘Oh, he thinks I’m cute,’” Malone said. “It’s got to be a stop to smile not a full-on stop. It’s where everything around you stops for two seconds and you walk on, or he goes and talks to you.”

Alright, so I’m clueless, how do I know she/he’s interested? How do I show them I’m interested?

Usually, if someone is interested, one might be able to discern the signs and interpret the signals to follow the chosen path. However, if you are like me, you do not know when someone is actively hitting on you unless they are physically hitting you. It’s kind of pitiful.

“It’s all in the eyes,” said Kinsey Riley, a freshman food science major. “I give them the right look.”

Eyes, as they say, are the windows to the soul, and I suppose they are.

“I focus on getting to know them, rather than seduce,” said Tori Robinson, a freshman mechanical engineer major.

I’m hopeless, she/he’s not interested in me. How do I get them to be interested and close?

Come on, I know if you are reading MY writing and got this far, you must be a decent human being. Have faith, my dude/dudette.

“Truthfully, if a girl is flirting with me, I like her smile and want her to be interested in what I have to say and laugh with me,” said Matt Hartman, a freshman business major. “If they play the energy you put off, that’s attractive.”

Additionally, Hartman advises, “If you are interested, you should straight-up be direct. Communication is best when you’re direct. You don’t have to play guessing games, which is nice.”

But the biggest question still remains: how do you get someone to be interested in you?

Honestly, I can ask a hundred people and still get the same clichéd answer: confidence and humor.

“If they can make me laugh, they can make me do anything,” Parker said. “Sure, I stole that from the Internet, but it’s true.”

If all else fails, just go with my proven method. I eye them from across the room, shoot them an inconspicuous wink coupled with my “I’m fun and sexy, and I approve of you” smile and do the finger gun point with both hands. Classic.

This article was produced for College Avenue’s Love, Sex, and Relationships issue.