ask AJ an advice column* you probably shouldn't follow my advice

DISCLAIMER: This advice probably shouldn’t actually be followed, but you should read it anyway because it’s funny.

How do I impress a pretty girl in my class?

  • Step 1: show up to class dressed exactly like Kanye West.
  • Step 2: Approach her and wait for her to ask why you have so many holes in your clothes.
  • Step 3: Gain her pity by telling her that you’re homeless but you have a hidden stash of platinum in the Rocky Mountains. Convince her to help you find it.
  • Step 4: Drop out of college, change your name and run away with her into the mountains where you will reside happily while raising a farm of goats and master the art of yodeling.

How do I move on from a girl?

Obviously, your only solution is to acquire a pair of RayBan sunglasses, and wear them religiously. After you have done that, buy a pet tiger and name him Francis. Buy him a pair of RayBans too, so you can stunt together. Ride him to school and refuse to go anywhere unless you are on the back of your tiger. Convince everyone that you are a god, and collect a group of followers who worship you. Eventually, you will get caught by the authorities who will force you to give up your tiger, and they will send you to jail. Don’t worry though – your loyal followers will bail you out and steal Francis. By then, you will have acquired enough fame and fortune to buy your own remote island and take Francis and your followers with you, along with many beautiful women who greatly appreciate your awesomeness. You might have to be confined to your island for the rest of your life, but hey, at least all of this made you forget about that dumb girl.

I went on a date with a boy and I wasn’t really feeling it so I broke things off, now he won’t leave me or my friends alone and it’s freaking me out. What should I do?

Sounds like another case of hypermasculinititis. Symptoms include douchebaggery, assholishness, and in your case, possessiveness. However, this can be easily treated by getting a prescription for Chill Pill. You should give the pill to the boy with a nice glass of Cold Hard Reality. In severe cases, it might require the action of a surgeon, to perform surgery on his head mush, since he obviously doesn’t have an actual brain. But if you have tried everything and it still continues, it might be necessary to call the police and hand the situation over to them, that is, if they even take you seriously because the situation is so outrageous. Your only other option is for you and your friends to master martial arts and become a crime-fighting super team of badass ninjas and take down hypermasculinity once and for all.

How do you tell your boyfriend to stop talking to his manipulative ex-girlfriend?

2 words: LEAVE. HIM.

My dad won’t let me date my crush just because he’s human and I’m a mermaid, what do I do?

Wow, now this is a problem I can relate to. First thing’s first, they made a movie about this exact issue, DON’T WATCH IT. Despite the extremely iconic soundtrack, the moral of the story is absurd. Everyone knows that selling your voice to notorious sea witches in exchange for legs is a dumb idea. If you really want to be with him, you must catch him while he is on the beach alone. He might be scared at first, but reassure him that you won’t hurt him. But DO NOT, under any circumstances, sing to him. He’ll probably just get really creeped out and run. Instead, gain his trust by bringing him underwater treasures. Eventually he will fall in love with you, and once he does, convince him to become a merman and live with you in your underwater kingdom forever. Then burn every copy of The Little Mermaid until there is no trace (except for the soundtrack, keep the soundtrack so I still have something to sing while I’m in the shower).

If you need some advice, or just want a good laugh, email your question to: annajanella@aol.com.

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