ask AJ an advice column* you probably shouldn't follow my advice

DISCLAIMER: This advice probably shouldn’t actually be followed, but you should read it anyway because it’s funny.

What are some cool things I should do with my friends?

Fortunately, we live in a college town, so there are plenty of things to do. In Fort Collins specifically, there is a unique culture with equally unique activities, such as local brewery tours, live music venues, tasty family-owned restaurants and beautiful hiking destinations. As great as that all sounds, I know that after reading this, you arere probably just going to stay inside, smoke a bowl, and watch Netflix.

How can I find friends who like the same things as me?

First, think about someone that you absolutely despise. The worst, most awful person you can think of whom you personally know. Then, figure out all the other people who know that person. Talk to each of them until you find someone who hates them as much as you do. Once you do this, everything else will fall into place and you’ll have a best friend for life. Completely foolproof method. It’s science.

I haven’t been able to make new friends lately. What should I do?

Who really needs friends? Just get a dog and you’ll have an automatic best friend for the next 10-13 years. Dogs are way better than people anyway. They are loyal, happy, loving and smart. They are the complete opposite of humans.

I recently found out my friends don’t really like me. What should I do?

One problem I often find when it comes to talking to people is they can be fake as hell. Honestly, people suck. And while it would be wise to just be the bigger person and let karma do its thing, where is the fun in that? What I would do is invite all of your friends over and tell them that there will be food, so they have an incentive to come. Cook up a really nice dinner, maybe buy a couple bottles of wine, and give them a great time. Tell them how hard you worked on the dinner, how long it took you to perfect every dish, tell them every little detail. Make them feel bad about secretly disliking you. What you won’t tell them is you put laxatives in their wine (just make sure that they all go back home at the end of the night).

There is this girl in my friend group that nobody likes, but no one wants to tell her. How do we get her out?

As much as I want to yell at you for being a shallow asshole, I can fully admit to having this problem as well. Face it, no matter how much your second-grade teacher insists that it is true, you are not going be friends with everyone. Sometimes, there are just people you do not like. But they didn’t necessarily do anything wrong. Maybe you don’t even know why you dislike them, which makes you feel that much worse for hating them, but it happens. You can’t help it.

Normally, what I would do, in this case, is try and get to know her as much as possible, and then become the epitome of everything she doesn’t like. If she says she likes cheese, despise cheese. If she says she hates dogs (which, in this case, she doesn’t even deserve friends, to begin with), talk about how much you love dogs 24/7. Obsess over everything that she hates, and vomit at the thought of everything she does like. Eventually, she will get tired of you and your group of friends and drift away. And if she doesn’t, recruit the meanest person in your group to give it to her straight. After all, the world is a scary place, and you will have to learn to read social cues eventually if you wanna live past 30.

Have a question for Aj? Email her at askaj.collegeave@gmail.com.