DISCLAIMER: This advice probably shouldn’t actually be followed, but you should read it anyway because it’s funny.

How should I get to school now that I live off campus?

One of the most difficult things about going to school is trying to figure out how to motivate yourself.

It’s so easy to go to class when you’re living on campus, because you’re only about a 10 minute walk away from all of your classes. But when you live multiple miles away from campus, don’t want to pay a billion dollars for a parking pass, it’s snowing outside and you really just want to stay in bed and take a nap, finding motivation may seem impossible. Normally when this happens to me I just succumb to my laziness and don’t go. But make sure that if you do this, you have at least a couple friends in each class that aren’t skipping so you can finesse them for the notes later. You might end up acing the class anyways, even though you only showed up on test days. #College

How do I eat on a budget?

Normally, one of the most dreaded things of a new school year is all the little, annoying freshmen that infect campus. But despite all their obnoxious squealing and extremely slow walking, freshmen are very useful for one thing: meal swipes. For this reason, it is absolutely necessary to befriend as many freshmen as you can and convince them to swipe you into the dining halls. Despite the soggy hamburgers and unflavored fries, free food is free food.

But hey, at least it’s better than having top ramen for every meal, am I right?

How do I make new friends?

What are friends…?

Where should I sit in class?

Most advice columns would tell you to sit up at the front so that you can concentrate better and you can get to know your professor. But honestly, that’s a load of crap. It’s so much better to sit in the back so you can show up to class hungover, with sunglasses on, and no one will know.

This also means that your professor won’t have the opportunity to randomly terrorize you to answer a question in front of 200 people. Plus all the fun people always sit at the back, so it’ll be easy to make some friends. It’s a win-win-win.

How do I not be labeled as a freshman?

This is really important because there are actual reasons why people hate freshmen. So if you want to not be blacklisted, here’s how to do it.

First, if you see someone you know, DO NOT YELL. DO NOT SCREAM. DO NOT SQUEAL. The worst thing that you can do to make everyone hate you is be loud and obnoxious. Leave that shit in high school.

Second, don’t walk around with a map. If you need to find something, ask someone or just walk around until you find it. And if you really REALLY need a map, pull it out when you’re alone and no one can see you. Don’t walk around the plaza dumfounded with a big ass map in your hands trying to figure out which way is west. Just don’t.

Third, you’re not a real adult yet. No college student is really a true adult until they graduate. Just enjoy this time of independence and fake responsibility until it’s time to graduate, because no one likes a person who acts like they know everything. The past 18 years of your life were just a trial for real life, so enjoy this time to get drunk all the time without being considered an alcoholic.

But you know, everyone was a freshman at one point, so just go with the flow and don’t freak out, and you’ll be fine. Probably.

Have a question for AJ? Email her at askaj.collegeave@gmail.com.